Searching for More...
Posted: Thursday, January 19, 2012
by Brianna Popsickle
I had plenty of time to reflect on my life as I waited in the customer service line at Wal-Mart, a well-intentioned yoga mat clutched in my hand. My husband had purchased it for my daughter for Christmas but since she’d received two of them, his was going back. He hated returning things (does anyone enjoy it?), so I volunteered.
I was surrounded by people of every age, shape and size, (the e-mail of Wal-Mart shoppers caught on tape came to mind), and I wondered about each of them.
I wondered if the cashier, who looked utterly exhausted, had had a moment to enjoy the holidays. I wondered if the well-behaved little boy in the next line got everything on his wish list, and whether the elderly couple in front of me celebrated the holiday alone or with a house full of children and grandchildren. I wondered if the guy with about eighty-pounds to lose had made any New Year’s resolutions, and whether the impeccably dressed, forty-something woman carrying the expensive hand bag, skimming an Oprah magazine, was happy.
I returned the yoga mat, grabbed a cart and proceeded to pick up a few groceries. Moments later I was in line again.
As I stood there I thought about how quickly the holidays had gone and how the New Year was already well underway. I’ve never been a fan of New Year’s and the whole resolution thing. I’m wise enough to know that if there are changes to be made you need to make them, regardless of the day of the week (most people plan to start their diet on a Monday) or the time of year.
I looked at everyone around me and wondered if they’d made resolutions. Did they know exactly where they were going and what they wanted out of life?
I recalled hearing a parent tell their child once years ago, there was nothing worse than being average. I was appalled. Who were they to say what was average?
But suddenly I realized, here I was a middle-aged woman standing in line at Wal-Mart, feeling exactly that. Average, and it didn’t feel good.
I go through life pretty happy for the most part. In fact, if you asked anyone who knew me they’d tell you how cheerful and pleasant I usually am.
The fact is I don’t have anything to be unpleasant about. I have pretty much everything I ever dreamed of growing up, a loving husband, wonderful children, good friends and a nice home, everything that matters. Despite all that though, there are days, and today was one of them, when I was painfully aware there was something missing. Damned, though, if I could figure out what it was.
I’m surrounded by people living their lives. I have friends who’ve just returned from traveling in Egypt, while others prepare to leave for Thailand for three months. I have a friend excited to be returning to school and another who’s thrown himself into a cause to help make the world a better place. One friend is starting a business, while another is starting her life, having found the man of her dreams.
I envy these people. Despite the hurdles they’ve overcome, the time it’s taken them to get where they are, or how long it will take them to get where they’re going (if they ever get there at all), they’re following their passion. They have a plan.
I don’t. Something is missing and I need to find out what that is.
Being predictable has become boring. Being nice can be exhausting. Feeling guilty for secretly wanting more, when I’ve already been given so much, can sometimes weigh heavily.
Wanting more doesn’t mean I’m not happy with what I have, or where I am. It just means … I want more.
Right now I don’t even know what ‘more’ is. Maybe my New Year’s resolution should be to find it.
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More commentsBP, such is the irony of the human animal, eh? The drama of curiosity and the quest to search for…whatever, can often be quite unnerving most of the time. But the only thing more annoying is when we are not-go figure.Funny how that works eh Bing? Thanks for reading and commenting. It was nice to hear from you.
Hi Brianna.
I'm tempted to say that I'm perfectly happy with things just exactly as they are. And most days I am ... really. But I'd be lying if I said I never felt as you have expressed you feel. But ... a big but ... I really don't seem to care if I ever find out what I was really meant to "do" or "be." I've tried to adopt a "flow with the tide/roll with the punches" kind of attitude that says that however things work out, that's how they work out and I'm good with it. I've had some success with that. But still ... :)
Great article and very well written. Thanks for sharing.
Hugs,
DianneThere are days I can roll with it, better than others.Somedays I feel like I probably am doing what I was meant to do, then there are those days where I feel like surely I can do more? Thanks for your response. I love your attitude Dianne!
Brianna, I am with you sister. I am THERE! I want more! More of what .... who knows. Thank you. DanniOh my gosh, I hear you Danni, that's the trick isn't it, knowing what we want. :) Good luck to you. I hope you find your more! Thanks for reading and commenting.
Brianna - it's been forever since I've been on this website. It's changed its name while I was gone. First thing I wanted to do when I got back was catch up with some of the writers I always enjoyed reading! You being one of them. And look at you! You beautiful, wonderful, inspiring woman, feeling like you need more. You ARE more! Already. That's what I've been reading anyway. Just the fact that you are Wanting More - and putting it out there - means you are already on your way to it. You have just opened the floodgates of MORE! Enjoy what comes to you now! Looking forward to seeing your journey.First of all, welcome back Liesl! I'm looking forward to catching up on my reading here as well. I haven't had time for writing or reading this past while and have missed Wrytestuff SO much. Thanks for your lovely comment. I love it when you put your feelings out there, and discover that others are feeling the very same way. Love this place!
You are living a considered life. You are fully conscious. Sometimes that can make us frustrated, but always it leads us to a better self.Let's hope Christofer. Thanks for reading and commenting. It was nice to hear from you. I'm looking forward to catching up on some of your writing as well, having been away from here for a bit. Thanks again.
It's fabulous to read you again, Brianna, you have such a gift for portraying life in its intimate details, and for being honest about yourself. Your words always light up the page, and I wonder sometimes if you realize just how much they do. The spirit of what you write stays with me for ages afterwards.
Being nice can be totally exhausting - I can really relate to that, and to wanting to break out in some way. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting more, in fact I think it's healthy, it's kind of like the heart and soul's tribute to life. And I totally agree, it doesn't at all mean you aren't grateful for what you have. When did wanting more become a bad thing in our culture? It should be something to celebrate.
Here's to moreness!
Cheers to moreness! I will tell you this Jennifer. The spirit of your comment will stay with me for ages. Thanks so much. You have no idea what a much-needed boost, you've given me. :)
Hello Brianna!
I also don't have any plans, I just trust my future will be bright (having a life as you have now), and I work hard on things I have to do as a student. I hope your family will stay as happy as it is now! See you around if you don't have any other plans up.I think with all your hard work HyunSoung, your future is bright too! Life unravels as it should, and I too, hope my family remains well. I'm sure I'll see you around HyunSoung, afterall Wrytestuff is the place I belong, and it's the place to stay. Best of luck with your studies! Thank you for reading and commenting. Very much appreciated.
Hi Brianna,
Terrific article. I so love the part about wanting more but having no idea what more would look like. Since I don't exactly believe in "destiny" I seem to straddle the, "go with the flow" thing while equally endeavoring to, "create my own reality."
After all is said and done, I have come to the conclusion that life has no inherent meaning so we have to constantly assign meaning to everything in our life or those things/persons that we hope to be in our life. Oh man, I think we are getting into those existential life questions.
Sure hope to see more of your articles. Thanks for the candor. Dawn
You're welcome Dawn. Any luck at all, you will see more of me. I've missed this place. I agree with you, I go from the attitude 'go with the flow' to 'make it happen' too. I just need to decide what I want to happen. :) Thanks for reading and taking time to comment.
As always, Brianna, a good read. I'm with you...I wonder about those around me. What their lives are like, what they have and are dealing with.
I really don't know if it is a mid-life thing, but after my grandson was born 3 years ago I started thinking more about my legacy. What, of importance, was I leaving to him? What did I need to make sure he knew. An illness I deal with and loss of a job made me question my purpose about a year ago. Though I think I have it figured out, it, sometimes doesn't make it easier. I know how blessed I am and enjoy my life to the fullest. I hope you find your answer.
Brianna, I think what you are feeling is part of the human experience -- that of always feeling a little unsettled, a bit unsatisfied, no matter how good our lives may be. I'll bet those people chasing their passions also look at you and wish they had what you have. A friend of mine once said he was divided, one side wanting to be the National Geographic photographer on a one-year assignment to some far-hidden land and the other wanting the house in the suburbs, wife, two kids, cat and dog and a regular 9-to-5 job. He couldn't have both and couldn't reconcile the two drives. I think all of us feel that in some way, big or small. How we deal with it is life's great challenge.I agree with you George. Everyone experiences these feelings at some time in their life. Thanks for reading and taking time to comment. Nice to hear from you.
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