Who Cares?
Posted: Friday, April 23, 2010
by Brianna Popsickle
Will anyone forget Sally Field's speech as she accepted the Oscar for outstanding actress in 1985?
I can't deny the fact that you like me right now, you like me!' she said, straight from her heart and revealing her weakness to the world. She cared what people thought. She wanted to be liked. The media ridiculed her.
My husband says everyone that knows me love me. I'm fortunate to have wonderful, true friends. But there are people, co-workers, acquaintances I've met over the years, who think they know me, but don't. They judge me without ever trying to get to know me. It's too bad because I'm a loving and loyal friend.
I'm a strong woman. I've faced frightening situations in my life, the serious illness of my child and parent, accidents, robbery, fraud, and more. I can deal with those things. Those things are real, and for the most part beyond anyone's control.
Unnecessary, intentional rudeness, deceitfulness, pretension, those are the things I can't deal with. Those are the things that tear me apart.
I hate to think of the time I've wasted rethinking a remark or action, trying to see it in any other way than how it was intended to hurt.
Sometimes I think being nice' or nave is mistaken for being stupid. I'm not stupid. I just don't understand rudeness, but I recognize it.
Years ago we had a couple over for dinner and served filet mignon. It was pre-packaged M & M's meat. During dinner the woman looked at me and said, "Good for you for serving M & M's."
I spent the next day trying to ignore the obvious. "She didn't mean that in a bad way, maybe she liked the dinner," I said to my husband. Finally he said, "Brianna, she insulted you. She's a pretentious b_ _ _ _, move on."
When someone gets a promotion I'm genuinely happy for them and offer my congratulations. When I see an article about people I know, or their children (as long as it isn't announcing their arrest), I clip it for them and write a congratulatory note: Good game!' or Congrats on the scholarship!' whatever the case may be.
Once, my five-year-old son won an art contest and the newspaper ran a story on him. He drew pictures you'd expect to see from an adult. The title read, Child Prodigy. I was having lunch with two women, when one mentioned she'd seen the article and was impressed with my son's talent. The other woman said, you'd think he was the second coming.'
My mother taught me, if I couldn't say something nice, don't say anything at all, I've tried to live up to that. I taught my children the same. But not everyone does.
I have wonderful girlfriends, but there are women who give women a bad name.
A woman noticed a new ring my husband had given me and complimented me on it. Another asked to see it then sarcastically said, "Well I guess you are making the big bucks now."(I'd recently had a promotion). She then handed me a bottle of lotion saying, "Here, use this, your hands look awful." Small stuff, I realize, but I just don't understand people like that. Why say anything at all?
I went to get coffee with an acquaintance. The woman behind the counter, who usually looked very tired, had obviously had a makeover. When it was my turn to order I said, "You've changed your hairstyle and your makeup looks great, you look really pretty." She seemed pleased and thanked me.
The girl I was with laughed as we left saying, "You know now she thinks you're a lesbian, why would you comment on her hair?"
First, not that there'd be anything wrong with that, and secondly, my question would be, why wouldn't I comment on her hair? I don't go looking for it, I'm not going to say something I don't feel just to compliment someone, but if I can make their day, why not? I think I've learned from times I've had my haircut only to have women say, "You got your hair cut. Do you like it?" Why do some women insist on beating each other up?
I think too often people make judgments about others without even getting to know them, then treat them accordingly. But I've learned people aren't always who they appear to be.
The fat, jolly' person may not be so happy inside. The beautiful, popular woman, who appears to have it all, may not feel so beautiful and may in fact be lonely. The teenager dressed all in black with outrageous piercings, isn't a threat, and may just be one of the nicest people you could ever meet.
It's a shame when people have the ability to brighten the days of others, with what may seem like small gestures, but because of preconceived notions choose not to.
Worse than rude and pretentious people, are those who befriend you with a purpose. You've got something they want or need and once they have it, they let you go. When you genuinely care for someone, it's painful to discover the friendship that meant so much to you was never really there to begin with.
I know, you think I'm too sensitive and am too affected by others. Realizing, like Sally Field, I'll be revealing my weakness to the world, I admit, I am too sensitive and I do care too much.
When a friend goes through bad times, I tend to take their problems on like they're my own. When something wonderful happens, I'm genuinely elated for them. Is it wrong to expect that from others? Is it too much to expect sincerity, loyalty?
A friend recently told me I should care less. He said I get hurt so easily. He was right on both counts, and I don't see it changing anytime soon.
Who cares?' you ask. I do, and probably always will.
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More commentsBrianna, love your open self-disclosing style. I spoke to my daughter yesterday who quite likely is your age. We both agreed that we're into "good people." My guess is that you head that list of those who know you. And though we're only pen pals, I feel I know you well.Best to you and keep your wonderful and refreshing outlook on life. It's becoming and all to rare.John BrazellThanks John I appreciate your kind words. Through reading your articles, I know that you too, are on the top of people's 'good people' lists.
You left me feeling the heat but not seeing the light; what was the significance of a B and B purchase?Was it a job-lot discount milieu?Was the 'good for you' a tongue in cheek snide,'don't spend it if you really don't got it' , status jibe?You didn't remotely clue me in.I have similar scenarios as you do which test my soul,within, replete in angst with people with whom I joke but who do not sometimes have the remotest sense of humor(I am numbly still astounded that such people frequent this Earth).Despair not as God knows your heart's secret angst and all catty and condescending people pose a private test to you to keep you pure and loving within.My private tests of angst and teeth grinding involve presenting very alternate thinking to others, often heads of lettuce who walk around without a single hint or suspicion.Despair not.The 'good for you' remark was not meant to be tongue- in -cheek as I would have hoped, but a condescending remark, as my husband confirmed. You have to know this woman. You have a way with words Paul, and always know just the right thing to say. Thanks for reading.
I love your writing, Brianna. I just wish I knew what M & M meat is. Sounds delicious, but is it low-carb?Thank you for reminding us of the wise words of so many mothers, "If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all." That really sums it up.I don't know what it is comparable to in Texas, but M & M's have wings, chicken breasts, fish, steaks, you name it, as well as appetizers and desserts. All frozen but delicious. Well, most people like it. :) Thanks for the comment Bruce, I'm glad you enjoy my writing.
"When a friend goes through bad times, I tend to take their problems on like they're my own. When something wonderful happens, I'm genuinely elated for them. Is it wrong to expect that from others? Is it too much to expect sincerity, loyalty?"Great article. The above is called sympathetic joy, and it is quite a spiritual achievement to feel that way sincerely and spontaneously, (and not to make yourself feel good). Don't worry about what others do, that is their karma.The Buddha called it a cowherder counting another man's cattle.Best.....eOn a bad day, I think I've got to change in order to get through this life, on a good day I realize I am who I am, and the whole karma thing will take care of it. I think you're a wise man Raymond, and appreciate your reading and commenting.Wise guy maybe! Anyhow, trying to change ourselves involves ego and is called :"becoming." Being complacent and not caring what we are or how we act is not having an interest in improving ourselves is ego too. Both fed by ego.Ah, but when we just observe with our self out of the way, and maybe for the first time really see what we are - then there is the possibility of real change. (Most people don't want to change though. Otherwise we would ).
Hi Brianna.Something I've learned over the years is that it's not so much about you as it is about them. The person saying the rude or unkind thing is doing that mostly because they feel bad and would like to feel good. Sometimes, the only path to that is to break down someone they perceive to be in a better position than they are. It's jealousy and anger and denial all rolled up into one ugly little ball.I've been used in a friendship too. But I knew it going in. The person probably thought they were doing a masterful job of manipulating me into doing what they wanted, but the truth was, I had simply decided to help. When I was dumped at the end of it, I wasn't surprised and had even expected it.It truly is a shame that people can not just be honest and up front with one another.But you go girl! Don't you care what other people think. Just do what is right for you and the world will be a better place for it; I have no doubt.Hugs,DianneI appreciate you sharing your experience with me Dianne. You know I debated about putting this article out there, but I'm glad I did, I think a lot of people can identify with it. Thanks for reading Dianne!
Great article. I enjoy reading your stuff, and looking at your picture and saying your name. Friend JackOkay then, not quite sure how to respond to that Jack. But thanks for reading! I'm glad you enjoy my stuff!
This is great! I think a lot of us can relate to how you feel. Women just inately care how others feel, almost to a fault.But if it helps at all, I love your writing, and always look forward to your new articles, thanks! - SusanIt appears many can relate. Thanks for reading and taking time to comment Susan.
Thanks for this beautiful article, Brianna! Good for you for being sensitive and caring and truthful. It takes courage to live without a barrier of cynicism or a mask.I think people who take pleasure in belittling others only expose themselves and their own neuroses.
Jennifer
xxxI'm not claiming to be any more sensitive or caring than other people, there are lots of caring people, but I am suggesting there are those who could give it a try. :) Thanks for reading and commenting Jennifer!
You couldn't have said it better. There are so many selfish people out there, or those who have to beat another down to "improve" their own status or self worth. Stay genuine, Brianna, I will, too- even though as my grandma once told me, sometimes all you get for it is a kick in the a##.Grandmothers have a way with words but are usually 'bang on' with their advice, as your grandmother was! Thanks for reading and commenting!
Hi Brianna,Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I am very much the same way as well, I take people's comments and attitudes sometimes too personal and serious. This has cause me a lot of heartache because in my mind I cannot comprehend how could someone have the heart to purposelly hurt someone with their words or actions. One of the things I remind myself of when this happens is that you never know what goes on in those people's lives, and is possible that they are so unhappy where they are that they have no other way of expressing it but by hurting someone as to boost their ego or something. It actually makes me feel bad for someone that has to put others down to make themselves feel better.I also think that if something gets me mad or sad I'm entitled to my emotions and instead of driving myself crazy with thinking about it, I just allow myself to feel whatever I do and try to move on.Like my mother always said, "when someone is unkind to you, punish them with love and kindess" that way they have no option but to be kind!Love your articles,NataliaThanks so much Natalia, you've made my day. I do what your mother suggested, because in my heart I know although it's not the easiest thing to do, it is the right thing to do. I think the whole karma thing works it all out in the end. :) Thanks again for commenting.
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