My Husband Thinks I'm Trying to Kill Him
Posted: Thursday, May 21, 2009
by Brianna Popsickle
My husband thinks I'm trying to kill him and I assure you I'm not. We've been married twenty-four years; if I were going to kill him I would have done it by now.
So where does he get this crazy idea? Well in fairness to him, there have been a few 'food' incidents.
First, you should know my husband had a bad experience with liver as a child. His dad wouldn't let him go to the movies unless he finished his dinner. He found liver disgusting, so in order to eat it, he cut it into small pieces and swallowed it like pills with milk. He cleaned his plate but became so ill he missed the movie anyway. To this day, he can't eat liver, he can't watch someone else eat liver, and the mere mention of it makes him gag.
He returned to the table and without looking reached for an appetizer and shoved the whole thing into his mouth. He began to chew. His eyes met mine. I smiled at him. His face went red, his eyes began to water and then it happened; the dreaded gag reflex.
I couldn't contain my laughter. He got up and ran to the washroom. Wiping the tears from my eyes I turned to smile at the lady next to me, but surprisingly she wasn't laughing. It turned out she had no sense of humour at all. (Really, what is it with some people?)
Then there was the time my husband had been sick. His mother suggested he take cod liver oil but he wouldn't hear of it. Concerned as I was about his health, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I slipped cod liver oil into his orange juice. I happened to mention it to our kids, so at breakfast, all eyes were on him. He reached for the glass and took a big gulp. We watched and waited. I really did feel bad about it afterwards.
Probably the worst example though, of my 'having tried to kill him' was the Pepto-Bismol incident. He was on the couch with an upset stomach late one night. We didn't have anything he could take for it but our eighty-year-old neighbour was happy to lend us her Pepto-Bismol.
I read the dosage, shook the bottle, poured it onto a spoon and shoved it in his mouth. His eyes grew big and before he could say anything I shoved a second spoonful in. His eyes began to water, his face went red, I had seen this look before. His mouth still full, he uttered something like, "Ith it tha-post to be chunky?"
I said I didn't know and tried to shove a third spoonful into his mouth. He stopped me, grabbed the bottle from my hand and muttered, "What's the expiration date on this?"
When he read it out loud, I collapsed to the floor clutching my sides. It had expired seven years earlier. We poured the rest out; it was like chunks of old glue. I felt terrible. He felt worse.
And then there was the chicken. I don't like to waste food; I simply can't throw it out. It makes me feel guilty, so it sits in the fridge and well sometimes it grows things.
More than once I've walked into the kitchen to see my husband wolfing down a sandwich.
"What are you eating?" I'll ask.
"Chicken sandwich."
"Not the chicken that was in the meat tray?"
"Yeah, why?" he'll ask, a look of panic coming to his face.
"What's the date on it?" "I don't think I'd eat it."
He gets that old familiar look on his face and runs to the garbage can. And so it goes.
He's starting to think because I haven't succeeded in poisoning him, I'm resorting to other methods of trying to kill him. He's accused me of trying to wear him down, tire him out. That couldn't be further from the truth.
I remember a time in our lives when our children were young; I was content to stay home and sometimes too tired to go out. Well guess what? The kids are gone now and I'm not tired anymore! I like to get up early and stay up late, and say yes to every invitation that comes our way. We're usually the first to arrive at a party and always the last to leave. The roles have reversed and now my husband is content to stay home. He insists he needs more sleep than I do, and if he doesn't get it, says it will be the death of him. He's by no means old, but he is at that age where heart attacks aren't unheard of.
Well I'm at the age where I don't sleep. So occasionally, in the middle of the night when he gets up to use the washroom, I will pretend to be sleeping, and then sneak out into the hall. When he's on his way back to bed, I'll let out a scream and jump out at him. It never goes over well, but it does keep him on his toes.
I know all of this might sound bad, but honestly, I'm not trying to poison him and I'm certainly not trying to cause him a heart attack.
To show my sincerity, I'm going to start throwing out the old food, I'm going to lay off the pranks, and I'm going to cut back on our social commitments. But just to keep things interesting, I am going to try something new.
I'm going to start smothering' him with kindness; that ought to really send him over the edge
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More commentsNow I know why the kings of old had food tasters. It was to protect them from people like you. lolWell, at least he's still alive after 24 years.He's alive, and happily married even after all I've put him through. :)Thanks for the comments David.
I think you ARE TRYING TO KILL the poor guy! How funny, sounds like you have a great sense of humor and he's lucky to have you--if he can get over the chicken, old medicine, frightful pranks etc. Just kidding...one of the best articles I've read in a long time!Thanks so much for your comments Steve. I'm glad you enjoyed the article and saw the humour in it. My daughter has inherited my 'humour gene'; some poor unsuspecting guy is in for an interesting time.
Day to day fun in marriage that throws darts at stress. ThanksRight on! Thanks for commenting.
so,this husband approaches his priest and says."I think my wife is trying to poison me!"The priest says;"Let me talk to her." He talks to the wife for over three and a half hours and comes back to the husband."I just spoke to your wife for over three and a half hours";" Take the poison!"Love it! Thanks for writing.
Hi Brianna,I think you may have been watching my husband and me! He just walks over me now when he knows that I am just playing. Fun and laughter are necessary in a marriage.God bless,MichelleSounds like you and your husband have fun Michelle! And you're right; fun and laughter are very necessary in a marriage. My husband and I wouldn't have made it this far without it! Thanks for commenting.
A delightful article. Thanks for the laughs. May your daughter carry on your sense of humor as well (but just be wary of April Fool's Day, mom).Trust me, I'm always wary of my daughter April Fool's Day or not. :) Thanks for the comments, glad you enjoyed the article.
Good article. I can relate. Thanks for sharing.Thanks Linda, glad you enjoyed it.
My wife is trying to kill me she is looking up heart attacks and what causes heart attacks. then she erases the search, that is the only thing she erases, she has been doing this for about a month almost every day, i once pretended that me heart was bothering me and asked her what are the symtoms, she said that she did not know, i then got afraid, be caus this is not normal.
Initially I started to laugh when I read your comment, but then I stopped to think, you are kidding, right? :)
Funny great article Brianna. This is really good. I love the humor. Your husband obviously has a great sense of humor too. Well done!Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm glad you got the humour too!
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